Yesterday I made a long entry regarding which situation I face in the moment. Somehow, all of it disappeared. Probabely, a higher force didn't make it possible... ;-)
Many things are starting to take influence in my life. Here a short summary:
- The prosecution department fined me!
- The entry will be finally cleared, after an agreement with the deptee.
- My salary almost would have been attached of wages!
- I got a € 40 Mio. deal that looks like we would handle this one ;-)
- I got a private deal with metalls, which seems also like it would come up to fulfill.
- I got worries with Fabienne and her family (where I'll come back later)
- My bro' starts to get in same mess like me with the prosecution department :-(
Yesterday evening I still met a guy, which would or better should help me with the metall-deal! Unfortunately he's also just a trader between, but as it seems, he's got a good clientele for whom he's active. -I can't tell you any names, but they used to come out from Glencore.
Than this morning, I called my joker regarding the metall-deal. She will guide me now through my first contract in this class of business. I trust her 100%, she's a professional with those contracts and does this now for more than 30 years. -So I guess, that will become something real interesting. :-D
Something less heady yesterday evening has been the long chat with Fabienne. I'm thankful, that she made tabularasa with open questions or issues. Many things showed me, that her family isn't that open minded as I would have wished from the beginning. After this discussion, I stayed awake all night long. I didn't sleep till current hour and I'm completely fucked up right now. (I try to be awake, but I almost fall down the chair)
Somewhere, where my thoughts circled around is the tag "doobie smoking". I know and accept, that her family probabely doesn't find it good. They also committed it to me directly, -her father via email. I answered back the email and heared later, that he gave her a contrast:
On the one side, I do miss-accept people, who take antidepressants. But on the other side, I smoke a bag! This isn't coherent from me, because if I 'really' believe in the unlimited power of the brain, I shall demonstrate it fully or not even a bit!
Isn't it a very strong evidence?! As I heared it, I didn't know how to react. If you just hear it, it sound logic. But if you think about honestly, than you have to set this picture also in an other perspective! I see it similiar like a glass of wine. Too much alcohol, will also damage your brainfunctions and/or physical impairment. So I got the same diseases, if I smoke too many spliffs. But the way I use it, is the same way like all other pleasing products! And I see, also many other persons, using pleasing products regularly. How shall I compare a medical treatment with a pleasing product? One you have to take (maybe), the other you take voluntary. After all, I find this contrast unfair! It sounds good, but in MY EYES it's a contrast to compare apples and oranges!
Than I heared further, that the last discussion with her parents didn't taste good. I left a bad impression. Suspectly I guess it's similiar to the old view some people had from me: Harry the cadger...! -I was thinking a long time about, when I was last suspected as this... Maybe ten years ago? Funny is, that all persons, which have told me this in the past, came to me in the meantime to ask for pardon! These people come now and tell me, that they never ever have thought, that I would turn around this way I'm now! I'm an human, that really has been pretty burned in the past with this. So if I come into a new environment, I carefully ease my person. And the funny thing with this one here is, that with the last chat I had with them, I thought at that time, how nice it is, that I droped into an environment, where I also just can be as I am! Be and stay naturally and 100% faithfully! And now, as I opened myself after more than a half a year, this is the feedback I received.
This issues, didn't let me sleep. I have been talking with two psychological parents! A friend and a familymember and both guys told me, to be more carefully in future. In case it's already adopting such forms, it might stay same in the future...! After all what happened to me in the last days (the attack, my deptees, businesses, etc...), no-one of them could empathize my situation. -I should have been the person, which has to be clement with others! -But, no-one is or has been it with me!
So where am I now? In the relationship with Fabienne, I'm getting tired. I'm tired always being the 'bad guy' and I'm fucking getting tired that I can't be as I am. In her environment, it showed me once again, naturally and 100% faithfully will be unhonored. Better be skin-deep and not show, who I really am. Worse luck.
Also to you guys which read my blog, I expect, that now, when I write you that unsettled MY point of VIEW, I won't receive any backing. -Just find two layers above what I wrote. -It should be me to clement others... -I'm even now at that point, where I don't give any effort more. Anyway, it's in her hands. She shall decide, if she wants to share the future by my side or if she better search for a good catch. -I don't seam to be one for her... (a sportive, charming, on the up and up being, honest, naturally, faithfully, very good earning, young man - stupid me, I always thought, I would be a good catch)
The last time in my life, where I had a sleepless night regarding a relationship with my girlfriend is ... -I just can't remember. I'm really fucked up now. No power more, no will, no nothing. Just take it as it is...
Well guys... I have to work and verify my bonus of CHF 12'000.- for end of this month... a typical earning of a cadger...
Today's motto: Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa
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